I would never, lie to you, I want you, to look at me, but focus your eyes, somewhere behind me, like one of those, 3-D pictures, do like that, that's the secret, my mother, she put ammonia, on my hand, and one time she said, do you want a tattoo, and she sharpened this pencil, a hard one, 4H or 5H, really sharp, and she stabbed my arms, and legs with it, and she hit me, with a milk bottle, and tied up my ears, and fingers, with string, she didn't care, she'd prise open my eyelids, with her fingers, and bring the tip, of a burning cigarette, or a needle, right up to my eye, it didn't bother her at all, so now, do you understand the secret? (p.173)
Ito yung binabasa ko nung biglang sumakit ang lalamunan ko nung nakaraang linggo.
Now I'm going to, cut your Achilles, your Achilles tendons, so remember, remember to do, like I just told you. (p.173)
Blooper 'to. Akala ko si Haruki ang nahugot ko sa shelf. Hiniram ko lang sa library kasi wala akong pera pambili ng kaligayahan. Krisis.
Halcion confuses your mind but it doesn't change your personality. (p.175)
Note to self: Uli-uli titingnan mabuti ang buong ngalan ng awtor. Kung Haruki Mukami, 'Haruki Murakami'. Hindi 'Murakami' lang basta.
We're almost there, he told himself sternly. We're about to hear what it sounds like when you cut the Achilles tendons. (p.177)
K E Y W O R D S : Baby. Icepick. Pavor nocturnus. Abuse. Home. Schizophrenia. Stripper. Boiling water. Bath tub. Stomach. Hotel. Knife. Achilles tendons. Erotomaniac. Incest. Swiss Army knife. Thigh. Crushed Halcion tablets. Can opener. Electrical cord. Nipple ring.
Ito yung tipong "random-hugot, lagot!" na libro.
THERE'S A FIRST TIME FOR EVERYTHING
If it were truly only for chopping ice, you'd think a completely different design might do. (p.5)
Who's that?
Me.
Well, if it wasn't you Taku-chan, who would it be?
If it's not me, I don't care who it is.
(p.24)
If you really loved me! You wouldn't just sit there! And let another man! Make me do those things! You'd beat the hell out of him! Or kill him! (p.25)
I need to be punished. She's mad at me. She's mad at me, but she won't hit me, so I've got to punish myself. If I don't, she might leave. He walked to the heater and shoved his right hand into the pot of boiling water. (p.26)
The ice pick met no more resistance than would a safety pin sinking into a sponge. It slid effortlessly into her sagging white belly.. (p.27)
His mother, enraged at the child who wouldn't cry or even cry out, only hit him all the harder; but the more she hit him, the more he concentrated on telling himself that it wasn't him she was hitting, until he actually succeeded in separating himself from the pain. (p.29)
He could actually see his other self standing before the shelves two or three paces ahead of him now, holding a package of disposable diapers. This other-self pointed to the picture of a baby on the package and grinned at Kawashima, then beckoned to him. (p.30)
Come to think of it... Come to think of it, somewhere along the line I became a man who never does anything people consider suspicious. (p.38)
When you cut the Achilles tendon, the sound it makes is as loud and sharp as a gunshot. (p.38)
First of all, the victim would have to be a prostitute - it was the only logical choice. (p.39)
But it was essential that the flesh he pierced with the ice pick be as white as possible. (p.40)
You could cause death by internal bleeding, puncturing certain organs, but what good was that if you couldn't watch it happening? (p.41)
She must remain uncertain as to what significance her own bloodshed and agony hold. It's vital that those on the receiving end of violence ponder its meaning. (p.45)
Did he need to do a dry run - order up a woman from a different S&M club one time before the big night, to acquaint himelf with the procedure? (p.48)
The most orthodox method would be to strangle her. Strangling held little appeal for him; but if it came to that, he'd prefer to use a wire of thin stainless steel. (p.49)
If it turned out to be her, all he needed to say was Long time no see. And maybe ask about the scar. (p.54)
In other words, men who were attracted to much older women were sick and abnormal. (p.55)
Such behaviors weren't the reasons parents abused children but the results of abuse. Children are powerless, Kawashima muttered to himself. (p.57)
Children would struggle desperately to feel love for their parents. Rather than hate a parent, in fact, they'd choose to hate themselves. Love and violence became so intertwined for them that when they grew up and got into relationships, only hysteria could set their hearts at ease. (p.57)
Focusing alternately on his own reflection in the bedewed window and the nightscape of Tokyo at his feet, Kawashima began to think of himself as a representative. A representative of all the children who'd become insignificant dots in that dark diorama; a martyr armed with only an icepick, facing down the enemy hordes. (p.58)
Maikli lang yung libro, 11 kabanata, 185 pahina. Pero deym, it's one hell of a book.
Psycho meets psycho.
The sex you have made with a man at your own suggestion is just never that good. After all, if you have to ask for sex, it means the man isn't really into it, right? And guys are never sweet or gentle or thoughful in bed if they're not really into it. (p.67)
Piercings scared them, like tattoos on yakuza thugs, and inwardly Chiaki would sneer at these men: Because I enjoy watching worms like you squirm. (p.69)
Memories aren't like words; they're soft and gooey. (p.96)
The girl had been holding the knife down at her side since he'd appeared, but now she raised it and plunged the scissors into the blood-dark meat of her thigh again. It sounded like when you step in mud - splut. (p.99)
How proud I'd be if I could actually kill her, she thought. Stab her in the thigh and hear the skin puncturing, like when you spear a sausage with a fork. But then things things get hazier and hazier, and finally you wake up in the hospital. (p.104)
Curling back her lips like a cornered dog, the girl bit into the base of his middle finger, where it met the palm. She was biting as hard as she could, squeezing her eyes shut and scrunching up her face, and her teeth broke the flesh and severed a nerve. (p.106)
Stabbing someone in a state like this would be like stabbing a manequin. She probably wouldn't even try to scream if he cut her Achilles tendons; she'd probably greet death with this same out-of-it expression on her face. (p.107)
He'd bought a combat knife with a blade as long as his forearm and ended up using it to slice through a cheap shirt instead of a pair of Achilles tendons. (p.108)
Her teeth were coated with a sticky substance, and her tongue discovered something like a bit of rubber band stuck to her upper gum. She fished this out and looked at it. It had a pattern of little grooves, and when she realized it was a piece of human skin, she remembered having bitten the man's finger. (p.113)
His face was a complete mess, in fact, and yet it was also the most adorable thing she'd ever seen. She had a sudden urge to hit that face. Not just give him a little slap on the cheek but slug him as hard as she could, with her fist or a bottle or a wrench or something, right in the eye. (p.129)
I like to watch boys when they're sleeping really soundly? So about six months ago I crushed up three Halcion tablets and mixed them in Kazuki's Campari and orange, and ever since then he won't eat or drink anything I give him. They're all like that. (p.131)
Everybody wants to talk about themselves, and everybody wants to hear everybody else's story, so we take turns playing reporter and celebrity. (p.133)
Everyone's running around comparing wounds, like bodybuilders showing off their muscles. And what's really unbelievable is that they really believe they can heal the wounds like that, just by putting them on display. (p.133)
Only voices and images from the external world could neutralize those from inside. That was why Kawashima's greatest fear - far greater for him than the fear of death - was of losing his sight and hearing to some illness or accident. (p.141)
Cut off from actual sights and sounds, with the unchecked terror swelling inside him, he knew he'd go mad in no time. (p.142)
He's quiet, and doesn't like to talk about himself or ask people questions, and he's so shy and bashful that he couldn't find the nerve to approach me, so he pretended to be a client. (p.147)
A chronic case, with a powerful drive to destroy herself. Maybe she wants me to kill her, he thought, staring at the scars on her wrist, and feeling his heartbeat quicken again. Maybe she's just waiting for me to pull out the knife. (pp.148-149)
He'd be nothing more than a tool for her. (p.150)
Maybe I'm falling in love... Falling in love with him. Because he didn't do anything . Didn't try to do anything. (p.154)
I hate it, but I never have the power to stop it, so it must be something I really need. This rage that makes me want to destroy everything I see - all the people and things, and myself too, burn everything down to the ground. I must need it. But why would a person need something like that? (p.156)
The thought frightened her, and she decided to mix some Halcion into his soup. (p.157)
The girl was washing the bowl meticulously, using only very hot water - no soap - to scrub off the grease and residue. She'd hold the bowl up to the light as if peering through it, and when she spotted the slightest blemish she'd start all over again. (p.159)
Insults were the calling cards of hostility. And only violent rage gave her the courage it took to stand up to the hostility all around her. Rage alone could show you the way to action. (p.165)
Chiaki took aim at his droopy-lidded eyes and slammed the can opener down. My name isn't Yoko. She heard the stainless steel meet the bone of the eye socket, a sound like a shovel crunching into frozen earth. (pp.165-166)
Don't say you're sorry, no matter how much it hurts. If you apologize you'll only be beaten harder. (p.166)
You will not have lost if you can look her right in the eyes. (p.167)
Asking for help is wrong. Because there isn't any such thing as help in this world. (p.170)
Here's the secret. You have to believe. If you even think it might hurt, even a little, you won't succeed. You musn't doubt, for even one second, that all the pain will be gone. (p.172)
The man who'd whispered softly in her ear as she bit his finger and the man who'd waited for her outside the hospital in the freezing cold and the man who'd bound her wrists so tightly and wanted to cut her Achilles tendons, were all the same person... You didn't get the sense that this man was two or more different people. And that made him unique. (p.180)
Whenever the dark side of a man revealed itself, it always felt to Chiaki as if he'd turned into someone else entirely, and only sex seemed to help counteract the disillusionment and despair. (p.181)
Chiaki believed that if you chose something painful, accepted the pain and left something beautiful behind on your body as a result, you got stronger. (p.183)
Ayoko na uli magbasa. Magbasa ng ganitong libro. Nakakarimarim.
Ito yung binabasa ko nung biglang sumakit ang lalamunan ko nung nakaraang linggo.
Now I'm going to, cut your Achilles, your Achilles tendons, so remember, remember to do, like I just told you. (p.173)
Blooper 'to. Akala ko si Haruki ang nahugot ko sa shelf. Hiniram ko lang sa library kasi wala akong pera pambili ng kaligayahan. Krisis.
Halcion confuses your mind but it doesn't change your personality. (p.175)
Note to self: Uli-uli titingnan mabuti ang buong ngalan ng awtor. Kung Haruki Mukami, 'Haruki Murakami'. Hindi 'Murakami' lang basta.
We're almost there, he told himself sternly. We're about to hear what it sounds like when you cut the Achilles tendons. (p.177)
K E Y W O R D S : Baby. Icepick. Pavor nocturnus. Abuse. Home. Schizophrenia. Stripper. Boiling water. Bath tub. Stomach. Hotel. Knife. Achilles tendons. Erotomaniac. Incest. Swiss Army knife. Thigh. Crushed Halcion tablets. Can opener. Electrical cord. Nipple ring.
Ito yung tipong "random-hugot, lagot!" na libro.
THERE'S A FIRST TIME FOR EVERYTHING
If it were truly only for chopping ice, you'd think a completely different design might do. (p.5)
Who's that?
Me.
Well, if it wasn't you Taku-chan, who would it be?
If it's not me, I don't care who it is.
(p.24)
If you really loved me! You wouldn't just sit there! And let another man! Make me do those things! You'd beat the hell out of him! Or kill him! (p.25)
I need to be punished. She's mad at me. She's mad at me, but she won't hit me, so I've got to punish myself. If I don't, she might leave. He walked to the heater and shoved his right hand into the pot of boiling water. (p.26)
The ice pick met no more resistance than would a safety pin sinking into a sponge. It slid effortlessly into her sagging white belly.. (p.27)
His mother, enraged at the child who wouldn't cry or even cry out, only hit him all the harder; but the more she hit him, the more he concentrated on telling himself that it wasn't him she was hitting, until he actually succeeded in separating himself from the pain. (p.29)
He could actually see his other self standing before the shelves two or three paces ahead of him now, holding a package of disposable diapers. This other-self pointed to the picture of a baby on the package and grinned at Kawashima, then beckoned to him. (p.30)
Come to think of it... Come to think of it, somewhere along the line I became a man who never does anything people consider suspicious. (p.38)
When you cut the Achilles tendon, the sound it makes is as loud and sharp as a gunshot. (p.38)
First of all, the victim would have to be a prostitute - it was the only logical choice. (p.39)
But it was essential that the flesh he pierced with the ice pick be as white as possible. (p.40)
You could cause death by internal bleeding, puncturing certain organs, but what good was that if you couldn't watch it happening? (p.41)
She must remain uncertain as to what significance her own bloodshed and agony hold. It's vital that those on the receiving end of violence ponder its meaning. (p.45)
Did he need to do a dry run - order up a woman from a different S&M club one time before the big night, to acquaint himelf with the procedure? (p.48)
The most orthodox method would be to strangle her. Strangling held little appeal for him; but if it came to that, he'd prefer to use a wire of thin stainless steel. (p.49)
If it turned out to be her, all he needed to say was Long time no see. And maybe ask about the scar. (p.54)
In other words, men who were attracted to much older women were sick and abnormal. (p.55)
Such behaviors weren't the reasons parents abused children but the results of abuse. Children are powerless, Kawashima muttered to himself. (p.57)
Children would struggle desperately to feel love for their parents. Rather than hate a parent, in fact, they'd choose to hate themselves. Love and violence became so intertwined for them that when they grew up and got into relationships, only hysteria could set their hearts at ease. (p.57)
Focusing alternately on his own reflection in the bedewed window and the nightscape of Tokyo at his feet, Kawashima began to think of himself as a representative. A representative of all the children who'd become insignificant dots in that dark diorama; a martyr armed with only an icepick, facing down the enemy hordes. (p.58)
Maikli lang yung libro, 11 kabanata, 185 pahina. Pero deym, it's one hell of a book.
Psycho meets psycho.
The sex you have made with a man at your own suggestion is just never that good. After all, if you have to ask for sex, it means the man isn't really into it, right? And guys are never sweet or gentle or thoughful in bed if they're not really into it. (p.67)
Piercings scared them, like tattoos on yakuza thugs, and inwardly Chiaki would sneer at these men: Because I enjoy watching worms like you squirm. (p.69)
Memories aren't like words; they're soft and gooey. (p.96)
The girl had been holding the knife down at her side since he'd appeared, but now she raised it and plunged the scissors into the blood-dark meat of her thigh again. It sounded like when you step in mud - splut. (p.99)
How proud I'd be if I could actually kill her, she thought. Stab her in the thigh and hear the skin puncturing, like when you spear a sausage with a fork. But then things things get hazier and hazier, and finally you wake up in the hospital. (p.104)
Curling back her lips like a cornered dog, the girl bit into the base of his middle finger, where it met the palm. She was biting as hard as she could, squeezing her eyes shut and scrunching up her face, and her teeth broke the flesh and severed a nerve. (p.106)
Stabbing someone in a state like this would be like stabbing a manequin. She probably wouldn't even try to scream if he cut her Achilles tendons; she'd probably greet death with this same out-of-it expression on her face. (p.107)
He'd bought a combat knife with a blade as long as his forearm and ended up using it to slice through a cheap shirt instead of a pair of Achilles tendons. (p.108)
Her teeth were coated with a sticky substance, and her tongue discovered something like a bit of rubber band stuck to her upper gum. She fished this out and looked at it. It had a pattern of little grooves, and when she realized it was a piece of human skin, she remembered having bitten the man's finger. (p.113)
His face was a complete mess, in fact, and yet it was also the most adorable thing she'd ever seen. She had a sudden urge to hit that face. Not just give him a little slap on the cheek but slug him as hard as she could, with her fist or a bottle or a wrench or something, right in the eye. (p.129)
I like to watch boys when they're sleeping really soundly? So about six months ago I crushed up three Halcion tablets and mixed them in Kazuki's Campari and orange, and ever since then he won't eat or drink anything I give him. They're all like that. (p.131)
Everybody wants to talk about themselves, and everybody wants to hear everybody else's story, so we take turns playing reporter and celebrity. (p.133)
Everyone's running around comparing wounds, like bodybuilders showing off their muscles. And what's really unbelievable is that they really believe they can heal the wounds like that, just by putting them on display. (p.133)
Only voices and images from the external world could neutralize those from inside. That was why Kawashima's greatest fear - far greater for him than the fear of death - was of losing his sight and hearing to some illness or accident. (p.141)
Cut off from actual sights and sounds, with the unchecked terror swelling inside him, he knew he'd go mad in no time. (p.142)
He's quiet, and doesn't like to talk about himself or ask people questions, and he's so shy and bashful that he couldn't find the nerve to approach me, so he pretended to be a client. (p.147)
A chronic case, with a powerful drive to destroy herself. Maybe she wants me to kill her, he thought, staring at the scars on her wrist, and feeling his heartbeat quicken again. Maybe she's just waiting for me to pull out the knife. (pp.148-149)
He'd be nothing more than a tool for her. (p.150)
Maybe I'm falling in love... Falling in love with him. Because he didn't do anything . Didn't try to do anything. (p.154)
I hate it, but I never have the power to stop it, so it must be something I really need. This rage that makes me want to destroy everything I see - all the people and things, and myself too, burn everything down to the ground. I must need it. But why would a person need something like that? (p.156)
The thought frightened her, and she decided to mix some Halcion into his soup. (p.157)
The girl was washing the bowl meticulously, using only very hot water - no soap - to scrub off the grease and residue. She'd hold the bowl up to the light as if peering through it, and when she spotted the slightest blemish she'd start all over again. (p.159)
Insults were the calling cards of hostility. And only violent rage gave her the courage it took to stand up to the hostility all around her. Rage alone could show you the way to action. (p.165)
Chiaki took aim at his droopy-lidded eyes and slammed the can opener down. My name isn't Yoko. She heard the stainless steel meet the bone of the eye socket, a sound like a shovel crunching into frozen earth. (pp.165-166)
Don't say you're sorry, no matter how much it hurts. If you apologize you'll only be beaten harder. (p.166)
You will not have lost if you can look her right in the eyes. (p.167)
Asking for help is wrong. Because there isn't any such thing as help in this world. (p.170)
Here's the secret. You have to believe. If you even think it might hurt, even a little, you won't succeed. You musn't doubt, for even one second, that all the pain will be gone. (p.172)
The man who'd whispered softly in her ear as she bit his finger and the man who'd waited for her outside the hospital in the freezing cold and the man who'd bound her wrists so tightly and wanted to cut her Achilles tendons, were all the same person... You didn't get the sense that this man was two or more different people. And that made him unique. (p.180)
Whenever the dark side of a man revealed itself, it always felt to Chiaki as if he'd turned into someone else entirely, and only sex seemed to help counteract the disillusionment and despair. (p.181)
Chiaki believed that if you chose something painful, accepted the pain and left something beautiful behind on your body as a result, you got stronger. (p.183)
Ayoko na uli magbasa. Magbasa ng ganitong libro. Nakakarimarim.
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