If there's one secret I would dare tell the world, it would be the Absolut night that I'd pick.
I celebrated my graduation.
Sounds pathetic. But it was symbolic for me.
It was a rare time that I was one with myself. Looking back, I've been reminded of how I've always been trying to separate me from myself. Because I have never liked myself in the first place. I've never trusted myself since I started to think for myself. Because I realized I could ruin myself. Destroy myself. Hurt myself. And it did happen in highschool.
Though devastated, I went to college with the hope of a new life. And in search of a new world to explore. Which I did. But it wasn't what I had expected. It was a tough life in the university. At first, competitions thrilled me. Then, scared me. Then, taunted/mocked me. Then, pissed me. Then, bored me. Until I gave up. This was while I was still a freshman. I succumbed to mediocrity realizing that I had indeed been granted my wish of a new life. This was what I had hoped for. A bullshit.
Consequently, I got my second wish. I found an entirely new world to explore. And I've explored it with much ardor. Enthusiasm. Excitement. With open arms. And open mind. And open heart. And most of all, open pocket. I resorted to reading. With a preference for young adult/teen fiction and some Contemporary Philippine short stories.
I was regressing in my academic performance while I busied myself in rabid/voracious reading. I didn't care. I was mad with desire for this new world I've found. Because reading is an individual activity, I find it a sort of a way to appease myself. And I felt comforted for the first time. And I had not wanted it to stop. This hunger, this thirst for an isolation, it gave me a feeling of satisfaction. I do not know the meaning of happiness but whenever I read a book, I enjoy myself. I enjoy being with myself. I enjoyed the privacy of feeling satisfaction. In a way, it was selfishness. I alone could enjoy what I am doing because I alone know what I am doing. I alone could feel this satisfaction because I alone could enjoy reading what I alone could read.
Sometimes I would read inside the classroom while everybody else is busy listening to or writing down the lecture. Most of the time, I would read at night while everybody else is diligently studying or reviewing for tomorrow's exam or working on a homework or preparing for report or finishing a paper.
I would flunk my exams but I would resist the feeling of disappointment or frustration. Instead, I would comfort myself with reading. I would tune out of life by reading. I would relive my boredom by reading. And yes, I would avoid any social contact by reading.
Until came the point when reading seemed like my excuse for flunking grades, for disobedience and disrespect for intellectual authorities, for avoiding social and academic responsibilities, for boycotting the education system by resisting knowledge or learning, and most of all, an excuse for defining absolute freedom.
I was trying to be defensive I ended up becoming self-righteous.
While I was preoccupied in my own little world which was basically inside my head, outside, there's a band of funny creatures starting to build up an invasion army of some sort.
Don't underestimate the power of a gesture. A simple "Hi", a warm handshake, a genuine smile. It could melt your coldblooded heart. It could tore down the towering walls of indifference you've been trying to put up around you. It could unmask you of shyness.
Friends and bondage, yet another world to explore.
I met Ruthchel through Lizzie on my junior year. Lizzie has been already I consider, at this point, my old friend. We met back in my Anthropology class when we were both freshmen. Ruthchel was my classmate in Plant Anatomy and since we've become acquainted, we became lab partners. Then Allison came along and we became a trio. I've known Allison since we became classmates in Analytical Chem although we've never been acquainted until Organic Chem during which I've also been first introduced to group study sessions. Anyway, after our lab class, we'd eat our lunch together in Kenneth's or sometimes, either in CASAA or Beach House. They were also my classmates in Genetics. When I saw Ruthchel in my Microbiology lab class, that's how our friendship ignited, or that's how I looked at it that time. I learned from her that my favorite local author was the subsitute teacher in her PanPil 50 class. I had begged her to let me sit-in and attend this class once. It was bliss.
Finally, we're seniors.
It was in my Animal Physiology lab class that the bond of friendship was established. Our group consisted of Lizzie, Carlo, Ruthchel, Nehar, and myself. We were also classmates in Animal Invertebrate Zoology. Carlo, like Lizzie, was also an old friend. We, all three, were classmates in General Chem. Nehar, like Ruthchel, was also my classmate back in Microbiology lab class during our junior year but we became closer in Physics 72 summer class where we were groupmates, along with Ruthchel, during which we went out together for a one-night gig of our favorite local band in 70's Bistro. Also, I had always engaged her in my pranks during our Ecology lecture class as she was my seatmate, along with Pinky, who was my classmate way back freshman year in Math 17.
Food trip became our favorite activity and by second semester, Ruthchel and I have been taking it seriously. We would always eat out at least once a week. We were classmates in all our subjects, we were neighbors, and we were thesismates, so we were literally, inseperable. We ate our meals together, went home together, rode the jeepney or walked together, went online together in the same computer shop, crammed group papers together, studied together, reviewed together, sat in class together, and we'd watched our last UP Fair Concert together.
In Ichthyology class, Allison was also our classmate so we'd invited him once or twice in our overnight study session at McDonald's. Allison has been my favorite tutor classmate since Organic Chemistry. I owe him my passing at Genetics. Ruthchel, on the other hand, was my favorite buddy, for she was the only one among our group of friends, who's a drunkard. I looked up to her for I've never seen her get wasted in all our drinking sessions together.
We had our first toast of friendship in 70's Bistro with a bottle of San Mig light. Then we had a pitcher of Kamikaze in Tomatokick. We went back to Tomatokick after we've walked out of Drew's to drink Surf rider, Wabokita, and Margarita. I brought a bottle of Smirnoff Ice one afternoon and we drank it during our lunchbreak, with Lizzie, at the lobby in second floor. We drank Infinit together by the dark stairs of the Institute's side door the night after I was done with extracting the narra leaves for my thesis and this was during the Institute's christmas party. We haven't gotten some sleep when we drank my bottle of Absolut while waiting for our ride to depart for the Ecology fieldwork. We drank Ange's offer of distilled vodka in their Plant Taxonomy lec class. We drank in Puerto Galera along with the rest of our classmates during our field trip in Ichthyology class. We had the pitcher of Gin-iced tea for us entirely alone during our overnight batch bonding in Jason Arbo's place. We tasted together Burgoo's mudslide.
And that's when I made the promise. I told her I promise.
I have never been serious about making a promise that has something to do with myself. It's not that I wasn't selfish. I was just selfless most of the time.
And then the unbelievable thing happened. So I kept my promise.
While we're on Ikot, I persuaded Ruthchel to go out to drink. She was a bit hesitant because we had agreed to go on a date with our group the next day. As soon as I came home to my apartment, I packed my clothes and told my landlady I would be spending the night out to work on my thesis. Since the school year has started and I became an official senior, I also became an official liar. I texted Ruthchel that I'd meet her in the University Hotel by seven. I checked-in for a 3-bed room and went in quickly to drop my bag. Then I went out to Philcoa to buy the 800-mL Absolut vodka in Mercury Drugstore. I texted her again informing her of our room number. I also mentioned that I've already got the room and the liquor, hinting that she should take care of the rest - ice and pulutan. I was so excited already, and hungry at the same time. By eight, I couldn't contain myself anymore. I opened the bottle and without any ice, poured myself a third of the plastic cup and took a swig. It was so strong for my amateur tongue. I tasted acetone. They finally came past eight. She wanted a company so she asked Bess to tag along. They brought ice, a couple of 1.5-L soda, a lime chaser, chips, isaw, barbecue, litson manok, and rice. We had a hearty dinner and after that the drinking session began. We drank to our heart's desire. After all, it was what I had exactly wanted. I wanted to get wasted for just this one particular night. A night of my celebration. My night.
Because I am graduating on time.
***
It was the evidence of last thread of hope I had for myself. At that time, I was thinking of all the consequences of my stupidity since my freshman year. I flunk four major subjects. Calculus. Organic Chem. Elementary Physics. Microbiology. I've dropped a subject. Animal invertebrate zoology lab. I've ditched classes and missed a couple of quizzes. Developmental Biology lec. I almost missed a grade for a one-credit course. Undergraduate Thesis Seminar. Lastly, I was worried shit of my manuscript. I was so anxious with my manuscript. Desperately wanting to finish it as soon as possible. The agonizing wait for my adviser to hand me back my corrected manuscript is torture. Revisions that seemed endless while time is running fast. It was the most stressful week of my life.
Back at Burgoo, while having dinner sometime in April:
I celebrated my graduation.
Sounds pathetic. But it was symbolic for me.
It was a rare time that I was one with myself. Looking back, I've been reminded of how I've always been trying to separate me from myself. Because I have never liked myself in the first place. I've never trusted myself since I started to think for myself. Because I realized I could ruin myself. Destroy myself. Hurt myself. And it did happen in highschool.
Though devastated, I went to college with the hope of a new life. And in search of a new world to explore. Which I did. But it wasn't what I had expected. It was a tough life in the university. At first, competitions thrilled me. Then, scared me. Then, taunted/mocked me. Then, pissed me. Then, bored me. Until I gave up. This was while I was still a freshman. I succumbed to mediocrity realizing that I had indeed been granted my wish of a new life. This was what I had hoped for. A bullshit.
Consequently, I got my second wish. I found an entirely new world to explore. And I've explored it with much ardor. Enthusiasm. Excitement. With open arms. And open mind. And open heart. And most of all, open pocket. I resorted to reading. With a preference for young adult/teen fiction and some Contemporary Philippine short stories.
I was regressing in my academic performance while I busied myself in rabid/voracious reading. I didn't care. I was mad with desire for this new world I've found. Because reading is an individual activity, I find it a sort of a way to appease myself. And I felt comforted for the first time. And I had not wanted it to stop. This hunger, this thirst for an isolation, it gave me a feeling of satisfaction. I do not know the meaning of happiness but whenever I read a book, I enjoy myself. I enjoy being with myself. I enjoyed the privacy of feeling satisfaction. In a way, it was selfishness. I alone could enjoy what I am doing because I alone know what I am doing. I alone could feel this satisfaction because I alone could enjoy reading what I alone could read.
Sometimes I would read inside the classroom while everybody else is busy listening to or writing down the lecture. Most of the time, I would read at night while everybody else is diligently studying or reviewing for tomorrow's exam or working on a homework or preparing for report or finishing a paper.
I would flunk my exams but I would resist the feeling of disappointment or frustration. Instead, I would comfort myself with reading. I would tune out of life by reading. I would relive my boredom by reading. And yes, I would avoid any social contact by reading.
Until came the point when reading seemed like my excuse for flunking grades, for disobedience and disrespect for intellectual authorities, for avoiding social and academic responsibilities, for boycotting the education system by resisting knowledge or learning, and most of all, an excuse for defining absolute freedom.
I was trying to be defensive I ended up becoming self-righteous.
While I was preoccupied in my own little world which was basically inside my head, outside, there's a band of funny creatures starting to build up an invasion army of some sort.
Don't underestimate the power of a gesture. A simple "Hi", a warm handshake, a genuine smile. It could melt your coldblooded heart. It could tore down the towering walls of indifference you've been trying to put up around you. It could unmask you of shyness.
Friends and bondage, yet another world to explore.
I met Ruthchel through Lizzie on my junior year. Lizzie has been already I consider, at this point, my old friend. We met back in my Anthropology class when we were both freshmen. Ruthchel was my classmate in Plant Anatomy and since we've become acquainted, we became lab partners. Then Allison came along and we became a trio. I've known Allison since we became classmates in Analytical Chem although we've never been acquainted until Organic Chem during which I've also been first introduced to group study sessions. Anyway, after our lab class, we'd eat our lunch together in Kenneth's or sometimes, either in CASAA or Beach House. They were also my classmates in Genetics. When I saw Ruthchel in my Microbiology lab class, that's how our friendship ignited, or that's how I looked at it that time. I learned from her that my favorite local author was the subsitute teacher in her PanPil 50 class. I had begged her to let me sit-in and attend this class once. It was bliss.
Finally, we're seniors.
It was in my Animal Physiology lab class that the bond of friendship was established. Our group consisted of Lizzie, Carlo, Ruthchel, Nehar, and myself. We were also classmates in Animal Invertebrate Zoology. Carlo, like Lizzie, was also an old friend. We, all three, were classmates in General Chem. Nehar, like Ruthchel, was also my classmate back in Microbiology lab class during our junior year but we became closer in Physics 72 summer class where we were groupmates, along with Ruthchel, during which we went out together for a one-night gig of our favorite local band in 70's Bistro. Also, I had always engaged her in my pranks during our Ecology lecture class as she was my seatmate, along with Pinky, who was my classmate way back freshman year in Math 17.
Food trip became our favorite activity and by second semester, Ruthchel and I have been taking it seriously. We would always eat out at least once a week. We were classmates in all our subjects, we were neighbors, and we were thesismates, so we were literally, inseperable. We ate our meals together, went home together, rode the jeepney or walked together, went online together in the same computer shop, crammed group papers together, studied together, reviewed together, sat in class together, and we'd watched our last UP Fair Concert together.
In Ichthyology class, Allison was also our classmate so we'd invited him once or twice in our overnight study session at McDonald's. Allison has been my favorite tutor classmate since Organic Chemistry. I owe him my passing at Genetics. Ruthchel, on the other hand, was my favorite buddy, for she was the only one among our group of friends, who's a drunkard. I looked up to her for I've never seen her get wasted in all our drinking sessions together.
We had our first toast of friendship in 70's Bistro with a bottle of San Mig light. Then we had a pitcher of Kamikaze in Tomatokick. We went back to Tomatokick after we've walked out of Drew's to drink Surf rider, Wabokita, and Margarita. I brought a bottle of Smirnoff Ice one afternoon and we drank it during our lunchbreak, with Lizzie, at the lobby in second floor. We drank Infinit together by the dark stairs of the Institute's side door the night after I was done with extracting the narra leaves for my thesis and this was during the Institute's christmas party. We haven't gotten some sleep when we drank my bottle of Absolut while waiting for our ride to depart for the Ecology fieldwork. We drank Ange's offer of distilled vodka in their Plant Taxonomy lec class. We drank in Puerto Galera along with the rest of our classmates during our field trip in Ichthyology class. We had the pitcher of Gin-iced tea for us entirely alone during our overnight batch bonding in Jason Arbo's place. We tasted together Burgoo's mudslide.
And that's when I made the promise. I told her I promise.
I have never been serious about making a promise that has something to do with myself. It's not that I wasn't selfish. I was just selfless most of the time.
And then the unbelievable thing happened. So I kept my promise.
While we're on Ikot, I persuaded Ruthchel to go out to drink. She was a bit hesitant because we had agreed to go on a date with our group the next day. As soon as I came home to my apartment, I packed my clothes and told my landlady I would be spending the night out to work on my thesis. Since the school year has started and I became an official senior, I also became an official liar. I texted Ruthchel that I'd meet her in the University Hotel by seven. I checked-in for a 3-bed room and went in quickly to drop my bag. Then I went out to Philcoa to buy the 800-mL Absolut vodka in Mercury Drugstore. I texted her again informing her of our room number. I also mentioned that I've already got the room and the liquor, hinting that she should take care of the rest - ice and pulutan. I was so excited already, and hungry at the same time. By eight, I couldn't contain myself anymore. I opened the bottle and without any ice, poured myself a third of the plastic cup and took a swig. It was so strong for my amateur tongue. I tasted acetone. They finally came past eight. She wanted a company so she asked Bess to tag along. They brought ice, a couple of 1.5-L soda, a lime chaser, chips, isaw, barbecue, litson manok, and rice. We had a hearty dinner and after that the drinking session began. We drank to our heart's desire. After all, it was what I had exactly wanted. I wanted to get wasted for just this one particular night. A night of my celebration. My night.
Because I am graduating on time.
***
It was the evidence of last thread of hope I had for myself. At that time, I was thinking of all the consequences of my stupidity since my freshman year. I flunk four major subjects. Calculus. Organic Chem. Elementary Physics. Microbiology. I've dropped a subject. Animal invertebrate zoology lab. I've ditched classes and missed a couple of quizzes. Developmental Biology lec. I almost missed a grade for a one-credit course. Undergraduate Thesis Seminar. Lastly, I was worried shit of my manuscript. I was so anxious with my manuscript. Desperately wanting to finish it as soon as possible. The agonizing wait for my adviser to hand me back my corrected manuscript is torture. Revisions that seemed endless while time is running fast. It was the most stressful week of my life.
Back at Burgoo, while having dinner sometime in April:
"Taena. Makagraduate lang talaga ako, pramis Ruthchel, magpapainom ako. Inuman tayo. Absolut. Pramis."
