Black Dove

As usual, I was being nosy so I asked my mother why she started wearing black again.

"Patay na silang lahat. Silang lahat."

What about me?

"Baka malapit na rin."

You bet. That's life, you know. You should probably try reading some books and see for yourself it's a pretty normal case of a family crisis.

But I didn't tell her that.

***

I am homeless, yes, and more often than not, I get sick of it but that won't make me wear my heart on sleeve. I can choose not to love and build relationships. I can teach myself not to. Love, after all, would just make one weak... fragile... suffer. Worse, one has to make a lot of compromises. I've been really thinking a lot about this for quite some time and (credits to the books I've read) I'm definitely sure of one thing:

mahirap mag-alaga ng relasyon --- sa pamilya, sa kaibigan, sa
pet, pati sa diyos ng iyong relihiyon.

***

I remember Holden Caulfield saying "Just because somebody's dead you just stop thinking about him/her (them), for god's sake, especially if he's/she's (they're) a thousand times nicer than the ones living."

Something like that.

So far, I've never stopped remembering Mommy, Ate Lisa, Tita Dor, and Ate Dahls.

If it were not for my happy and healthy childhood memories that I've continued holding on to, I've long been sent to a rehab, or a mental asylum, or worse, damned in hell.

***

I'm okay. I will be and my mind assures me so. I have a functional brain, and more importantly I had a wonderful childhood.

***

I didn't lose the ones I loved. Though it seemed that they're the ones who left me, it is I who actually left them behind. I was the one rushing to hug the future, a dream bigger than I could toil for.

I will never forget it, AND neither forgive myself nor blame the way of this life.

BUT these things won't matter anyway. I'm not going to wear my heart on my sleeve. If ever I do, I have always my fur coat with me.