Myth of United Nations

It isn't enough that I am Filipino by birth.

It isn't enough that I've become a US immigrant.

Why can't I be a person of the world?



As long as we recognize our differences in age, sex, religion, race, language, dietary habits, fashion, etc.

As long as we identify ourselves within each of these categories and think of ourselves exclusively belonging to a group and this group being unique from the rest

We'll never be one

There'll always be wars





Why can't we all be people of the world?

Baa Baa Black Sheep

I wish it would rain money instead of ice tomorrow. I wish it would rain cold cash. Starting today, I shall believe in miracles. I won't do anything. I'll just wait for money to come down pouring over me.

Everyone's trying to make me feel guilty for being wretched and penniless and useless but there's no way I'm going to succumb to Life's sh*t.

Inuutakan Ako!

Mula nung Sabado ng gabi, wala akong gana kumain. Wala namang kaso saken kasi hindi rin naman ako nakararamdam ng gutom. Ang nakapagtataka napansin ito sa bahay. Dahil wala naman akong ibang maidahilan, sinabi ko ang totoo. Ayoko lang basta kumain. Violent reaction. Mawalan daw ako ng gana kung wala na akong makain.

Kanina habang nagtitiklop ng mga nilabhang damit sa sala, naalala ko yung librong aksidente ko lang na binasa. Natabunan na ang kanyang istorya ng mga nobelang hiniram ko sa Library na pinagpiyestahan ko sa loob ng ilang magkakasunod na gabi. Pero kanina parang tinutuya ako ng sarili kong isip. Oo, natabunan na nga pero merong naiwang impresyon sa aking alaala na hindi ko maikakaila. At siguro, sabihin nang nakarananas ako ng isang klase ng 'shock' habang nagbabasa, bilang depensa ng utak e ni-repress ang dahilan ng 'shock' sa aking subconscious. Pero nagkataong 'idle' ang utak ko kanina kaya marahil, sinamantala ito ng subconscious at nagpaimbulong sa aking conscious mind ang mapait na alaala.

At dahil ako ay isa lamang bagay na kinokontrol ng utak, Wala akong nagawa kundi balikan ang libro at hanapin ang bahagi kung saan ko na-engkwentro ang 'shock'.

May aaminin ako. Mula pa nung kolehiyo, pinagdududahan ko na ang takbo ng sarili kong utak. Dahil utak siya, alam kong kinokontrol niya ako. At dahil utak nga siya, sinasamantala niya ang kahinaan ko. May pagkasadista ang linsyak na utak na 'yan. Yung mga bagay na hindi ko dapat pinapakialaman, pinag-aaksyaahan ng panahon, o dapat na kinakalimutan na, ay pilit na ikinukulit sa akin na tuklasin ko raw sa pormang katumbas ng diwang 'curiosity' o kaya ibinabalik sa aking alaala sa pormang katumbas ng diwang 'trauma'.

Ito ang nagbigay ng labis na anxiety sa akin. Alam kong di ako tatantanan ng utak ko kung patuloy kong ire-repress sa subconscious ang bagay na ito.

Kailangan ko ng outlet!

'Please Observe Silence'

The world owns you. Not the other way around, so shut up.

You are not the center of the the solar system. The sun is. You learned that in elementary Science, so shut up.

The human body is an incredible machine, according to scientists. You are, by no means, merely a robot, so shut up.

Shut up for the world's sake.
Shut up for everyone else's sake.
Shut up for your own sake.

You reason out that when you were younger, you'd cry to get what you wanted. Anything you wanted you get by simply crying your heart out. Sure. Kids are cute when they cry. But not adults. Certainly not adults. When you see an adult crying, it's ridiculous.

Listen with your ears not with your heart.
Reason out with your brain not with your guts.

Never mistake one organ from another. Remember your Anatomy?

Forgive but never regret. And then, you can always opt to never forget. The important thing is to let go. Shut up. Don't start. By doing nothing, you do something. You don't affect the universe, and the universe in turn, won't affect you. So that there can be no regrets.

Let nature take its course. To destroy or to create, leave the task to evolution. Let time patch things up for you.

Shut up and go with the flow. Life never gets easy as you grow older. You do not grow younger so you need to save up your energy. Swim against the current and you'd be washed away somewhere faraway, mad and exhausted.

Try to forget your so-called ideals, if you must. You are not entitled to your own opinion. Keep it to yourself. Forget if you must. You do not have the right to live with your own convictions. You belong to the world and the world claims you as its dependent, so shut up.

As a human being, you do not grow a pair of wings. Don't try to fly.

Admit your faults. Admit your weaknesses. Surrender your cheap pride.

Until you learn how to shut up, you cannot observe silence.

Langit, Lupa, Sino'ng Sugapa?

Ang buhay ng isang adik ay straightforward.

UP AND DOWN.

Pag bumatak, diretsong langit. Life is good. Ito ang ‘up’.
Pag nawala na ang tama, Biyaheng Impiyerno na. Ito ang ‘down’.

Peace, brothers and sisters! Alam ko wala naman akong karapatang magsalita para sa kanila. Kapal lang ng mukha. Makiki-join. Makiki-ride on.

Ang totoo, takot talaga ako sa bato at damo. Takot dahil confused. Masama kung ilegal, mabuti kung legal?

Kaya nga hindi ako pwedeng maging scientist kahit Science ang pinag-aralan ko. Hindi kasi ako mahilig sa experiments. Ayoko.

Pero mukha ngang hindi ko na kailangan niyan para lang masabi ko ang bagay na sinasabi ko. Meron din kamo akong ‘high’ at ‘low’.

Default ang ‘up’ ko. Life as it is.

Kabaligtaran ng sa adik, bumabatak ako para sa ‘bad trip’.

Tatlong pangunahing ‘downers’:

1. Libro (Reading)
2. Chocolate (Sugar)
3. Tugtog (Music)

Pag pinagsabay-sabay ang tatlo (kumbaga e combo), garantisadong ‘ultimate sabog experience’.

Epekto: Depression. Alienation. Desolation. Etc.

Isip kasi ang apektado. At pag umabot na nga po ang kiliti sa utak, delikado na. Gaya ng sa adik, impiyerno kung impiyerno. Bad trip kung bad trip ang feeling.

Bubulusok hanggang kailaliman ng kukote.

Tanging panahon lang ang lunas. Naks.

Totoo.

Oras. Paghihintay.

Pakatapos, automatic restore. Default setting. Gaya ng paglangoy. Pagsisid. Hindi pwedeng walang oxygen. Aahon at aahon sa surface para huminga. Ang tao, hindi isda.

***

Epekto ng pinagsama-samang 'nightly chocolate session' sa loob ng isang linggo, insomnia, at Crank ni Ellen Hopkins.

Scared?

Yes.



I’m scared of pot/weed. I wouldn't want to go to Netherlands.

I’m scared of freeways. I hate worrying about the other cars.

I’m scared of being alone outside. I don’t want to deal with people.

I’m scared of getting lost. I hate uncertainties.

I’m scared of suicide. The more I read and contemplate, the more I want to prolong my misery.





I’m scared of drugs. I’m scared to drive. I’m scared of death so soon.

Bayang Hinirang

Ako ay muling nagbabalik. BWAHAHAHAHA!

Ngayon ay Miyerkules, a-disinuwebe ng Nobyembre. Sa Pinas, Huwebes na ng madaling araw. Kung ano mang oras ngayon dito, +4 sa Pinas pagkatapos kabaliktaran (kung AM o PM). Kaya kabisado ko.

Bakit sa Pinas?

Sabi sa isang quote na napulot ko noon sa Inquirer, "You cannot move forward if you keep on hugging yesterday."

E kawasa. Andun ang mga kaibigan ko. Andun ang mga kamag-anak ko. Andun ang nanay ko. Andun din pati ang dating crush ko.

Andun ang buhay ko. Andun ang mga pangarap ko. Andun ang tahanan ko.

Pilipinas, mahal kita.

Oo, alam ko hindi sapat ang mga salita. Nagmumukha akong trapo at pwede itong gamiting ebidensya ng mga pakialamero't tsismoso laban sa akin. Hanggang ngayon kasi'y inaalam ko pa rin kung paano ko maipakikita ang pagmamahal ko sa kanya. Sa bayan ko. Ang nag-iisa't natatanging bayan ko.

Aaminin ko. Noon, naduwag ako kaya't sinamantala ito ng multo sa utak ko. Nang tumakas ako, inako ko ang sarili ko sa pagiging ipokrito nito. Sa loob ng limang buwan, inaruga ko sa aking kalooban ang pagkamuhi sa sarili. Pero hindi na ngayon. Unti-unti kong natuklasan na ang nararamdaman kong ito ay hindi nalalayo sa pag-ibig. Wala sa layo o distansya ang pagpapadama at pagdama ng pag-ibig. Ang paglisang ginawa ko'y hindi katumbas ng pagtatwa sa aking bayan. Sa aking pinagmulan. Sa aking kasaysayan. Bagamat ako'y nalalabuan pa rin sa aking sarili, isang bagay itong tiyak ko: hindi ko tinangkang magtaksil. Patawarin ako ng sarili kong budhi, nagpadala ako sa sarili kong kahinaan noon.

Lintik na drama 'to. Kung bakit kasi sa akin pa napunta ang ganitong iskrip sa buhay. Kung kelan nagsimula na akong matuto kung paano magpanggap na artist saka pa ako napag-trip-an ni Ted Hannah. Pa-artist na sana.

Kagabi inumpisahan kong basahin ang Survivor ni Chuck Palahniuk. Napulot ko yung isang kataga, "People don't want their lives fixed." Kasi raw kung ganun din lang naman, wala nang matitira sa buhay. Tama. Para tuloy sinasabing panay problema lang ang buhay. Totoo. Ito ang buhay; kaya nabubuhay, dahil at para sa sari-saring problema.

Kung i-a-apply ko ngayon ito sa inirereklamo ko kani-kanila lang, e di ganito: kibit-balikat. Bakit ko puproblemahin ang pinuproblema ko kung ang kahulugan ng buhay ay problema? Gayundin sa iba pang bagay. Gaya ng paborito ko: Bakit ko iisipin na malungkot ako kung pinili kong umiwas sa pagiging masaya o maligaya. Sa madaling salita, stop rationalizing. Sabi nga ni Buddha, huwag pakialaman ang mga bagay sa mundo na wala namang kinalaman sa paglago mo bilang isang tao (a.k.a. kaliwanagan).

Akala ko dati, imposibleng mangyari 'to. Ngayon, bihasa na ako sa hindi pag-iisip. Parang kelan lang nung halos masiraan ako ng bait kaiiwas sa pag-iisip. Gusto ko mag-tune out pero hindi ko magawa-gawa. Ngayon, lifestyle na.

Bilog ang mundo kaya't pwedeng paikut-ikutin at pagulung-gulungin.

Umabot sa puntong nag-rollercoaster ang utak ko para lang ma-"gets" ang realization na'to. Bagay na wala ni sa hinagap kong matututunan na ganito pala 'to. Kumbaga, sapilitang pagtanggap sa pagbabago. Sa madaling salita, ito na ang ebolusyon ko.

Kaya naman ngayon ang mga problema ko, katulad na ng sa kapwa ko. Mundane. Hindi dahil sa naubusan na ako ng idealismo. Hindi rin dahil sa alienated na ako. Sabihin na lang natin na ang kasagutang hinahanap ko noon ay kabaliktaran ng natuklasan ko ngayon. At MAS mahalaga ang ngayon.

Isang linggo na lang, drive test ko na! Aaaaack!!!

Note To Self

Last night, I was having a hard time falling asleep. I was thinking of this blog and how in four months time, it had died suddenly. I felt guilty for abandoning this blog remembering that it was my decision to make this a project of some sort. Although I knew that this project is impossible to complete, I certainly had high hopes that it'll turn much better than what it is right now.

I still have a lot of stories to tell. Last night, flashes of memories came back to me all at the same time. I have stopped writing for the reason which I myself don't even know. It seemed like a vision to me and I pondered this thought all morning. It's as if I have been called for by my own senses to continue this project which I planned myself eight months ago; that is, last March, a month before I left the university, while I was at the main library for the last time, spending the morning free of any responsibility after ditching my Plant Physiology class.

All of my senses longed for me to write. I knew for sure they didn't give up on me. An idea or two would usually pop out of my head every single day of my life. Yet, it was my sad, sad mind that got on the way. My troubled mind. The control of my system. It never allowed me to go back and continue on writing. In fact, it didn't even want to me to do anything. I had just kept to myself in tortured silence for four dreadful months. Yes, it was an inner conflict. But last night, by luck, a chance had come up and that's when I realized that I was bound to write. That I will always write. Like the forbidden fruit, writing will always be the one and only desire I would not resist for the rest of my existence. Even if it means accepting a cursed life. Yes. Even a cursed life would do. In fact, a curse is what may be the only antidote to my flightless living.

That is why if my memory bids me, I shall now continue and begin my new story...

Hiatus, now banished!

T'walight

Isang mahamog na umaga ang sumalubong sa akin kanina. Binalot ng mga ulap ang buong siyudad. Mula sa sinasakyan kong bus ay namalas ko itong tanawin dahilan upang ang isang madalang na ngiti ay mamutawi sa aking bibig. Binabalik ang isang alaalang nagpatibok ng aking puso.

Siya.



Ako si Isabel Aswang. Nakatira sa Porks, Washington. Sa sine-nobela, ka-labtim ko si Edwart Current. Isang poging-poging Vegetarian na may special talent: nakapagpapalit ng kulay ng mata.

Sa simula, magkakaroon kami ng engkwentro. Pagtatangkaan niya akong patayin para makuha ang aking utak. Naglalaro sa kanyang imahinasyon ang juicylicious kong utak. Lumalaki ang butas ng ilong niya at tumutulo ang kanyang laway tuwing Biology class. Seatmates kasi kami. Kaklase ko siya sa Porks High.

Pero dahil isa siyang ulirang Vegan at sa tulong na rin ng kanyang supportive family, malalampasan niya ang pagsubok sa kanyang Diet (lifestyle). Sa halip, pagtitripan siya ng Destiny's child at mahuhulog ang kanyang loob sa kanyang biktima. Ehem. Ako yun.

Di-sinasadyang madukot ko ang kanyang puso. At dahil dito, siya ay malilito. At dahil nalilito, nalilito, nahihilo, nahihilo, kokoto kokoto. Kokoto! Mawawala ang kanyang gutom.

Lihim ang kanyang pagiging Vegan. Matutuklasan ko ito sa tsismis ng matalik kong kaibigang aso, si Jack Blood. Mortal na magkaaway pala ang mga Vegan at ang angkan ni Jack Blood. Ang mga... Non-vegan.

At dahil ako ay isa lamang Aswang, paglalaruan din ako ng Destiny's child. Dito na papasok ang conflict: Alin ang mas matimbang...

Ang puso o ang buto?

Labtim o BFF?

Iniibig ko si Edwart Current. Mahal ko si Jack Blood.

Pero dahil ako si Isabel Aswang, NBSB (No Boyfriend Since Birth), at first time kong makakilala ng isang Coverboy at Boyfriend Material, mapapatili ang aking puso sa sobrang kilig.

Magiging kami ni Edwart Current.

Magseselos si Jack Blood. Papipiliin nya ako: siya o si Edwart?

Siyempre pipiliin ko si Edwart. Duh. Manlilisik ang kanyang mga mata. Saka siya tatahol ng tatahol. Pakakawalan niya sa kanyang bibig na may matatalim na ngipin ang isang mahabang alulong. Ng pagtangis. Ng pagkabigo.

Sasambitin niya ang katagang, "Babangon ako't ililigtas kita."

Mababalitaan ko na lamang na siya ang tinanghal na campaign leader ng AVG (Anti-Vegan Group). Tinanggap niya na ang offer ng Destiny's child na labis na ikinatuwa ng kanyang pamilya.

Pero huli na ang lahat dahil ako man ay nakapagpasya na ring tanggapin ang plano para sa akin ng Destiny's child. Magpapa-convert ako into Vegan para makapagsama na kami ni Edwart Current at magtuluy-tuloy na ang ligaya.

Magkakaroon kami ng baby tiyanak. Pero hindi pa ito kasama sa pelikula.

Bunyip

Tila isa siyang kung anong kahiwagaang nagbukas sa pinto ng aking pag-aagam-agam. Isang palaisipan noong aking kamusmusan.

Ang bunyip.

Ang kwento niya’y hindi nabura sa aking isip na para bang sinadyang iukit para hindi ko makalimutan hanggang sa paglaki ko, at marahil hanggang sa pagtanda na rin.

Hindi. Hindi ko siya paborito. Walang espesyal sa kanya ni sa kanyang kwento. May kakatwa lamang. Pero hindi ko matukoy kung anong kakatwang bagay ang napansin ko sa kanya. Gaya ng isang napadaang wallaby, hindi ko siya napagmasdang mabuti.

***

“Excuse me, waiter.”
“Ano po ang order nila?”
“Bunyip, please.”
“Po?”
“Bunyip.”
“ Wala po kaming ganyan sa menu. Pero meron po kaming sisig.”
“Sisigin mo mukha mo!”

***

Dinalaw ako ng bunyip sa panaginip. Nandoon daw kami sa sapa kung saan siya lumalagi. Nag-uusap daw kami pero siya lang yung nagsasalita at hindi ko maintindihan ang sinasabi niya. Hindi ko rin maaninag ang mukha niya gayong walang isang dipa ang pagitan namin; nakatayo siya samantalang ako nama’y nakatingkayad sa isang malaking batong nilulumot. Sa pakiwari ko’y ang nakikita ko sa aking harapan ay isang malaki’t madilim na lagusan. Akmang hahawakan ko na siya nang biglang tumaas ang tubig sa sapa at nagsiliparan ang mga vulture mula sa kakahuyahan sa may gawing likuran. Halos mabingi ako sa nalikhang lakas ng hangin gawa ng sabay-sabay na pagkampay ng kanilang mga pakpak. Hindi ko matandaan kung gaano ako katagal nagtakip ng tenga habang nakapikit. Parang walang katapusan. Hindi mapakalma ang hangin. Hindi ko na matagalan. Idinilat ko ang aking kaliwang mata para sumilip. Agad akong napapikit dahil sa biglang tama ng silahis ng araw. Naghintay ako ng ilang segundo saka ko dahan-dahang idinilat ang aking mga mata. Isa. Dalawa. Tatlo. Anak ng tokwa! Nakatutok pala sa akin ang bentilador.

***

“Pabili po.”
“Ano ‘yon?”
“Bunyip nga po.”
“Ano?”
“Bunyip po.”
“Ay wala kami ‘nun. Ano ba yun?”
“Tanungin mo sa lelong mong panot!”

***

Hindi ko alam kung bakit sa dinami-rami ng tao sa mundo, ako pa ang mabibiktima ng maalamat na bunyip, na ginusto ko naman dahil sa bawat araw na lumilipas ay lalong umiigting ang paghahangad kong hanapin ang bunyip. Sigurado akong sa mga oras na ito ay naglalagalag lamang ang bunyip sa mundo at di magtatagal ay darating din ang pagkakataong matetyempuhan ko ‘to.

***

“Pwede po ba magtanong?”
“Ano?”
“Nasaan po ang bunyip?”
“Ha?”
“Ang bunyip po, nasaan kaya?”
“Ano’ng sinasabi mo?”
“Di bale na nga lang po.”
“Baliw ka ba?”
“Diyan na kayo!”


“Baliw ba yun?”
“Ewan. Baka adik.”
“Mga kabataan talaga ngayon, mabilis mapariwara.”
“Sinabi mo pa.”
“Nakakabadtrip.”

***

Kilala mo ba ang bunyip?

Magic 21

Napipinto na ang aking simbolikong pagtawid mula kabataan patungo sa sunod na antas ng paglago ng isang tao...

SUBALIT hindi ako naniniwala na ang pagiging isang ganap (=mature) na adult ay nakadepende sa edad ng isang tao.

Kung gayon ay isang malaking kahibangan ang aking tinurang simbolikong akto. Isang napakalaking kahangalan na bumubulag hanggang sa kasalukuyang henerasyon. Ang lamat sa kultura ng santinakpan, maliban sa isang alam ko. Sa bayan kong minamahal, perlas ng Silangan.

Ang paparating na araw ng aking pagtanda ay itinuturing na espesyal sa lahat ng lugar, maliban sa atin.

Legal na edad para sa bisyo, luho, at iba pang katarantaduhan. Basta't may ID ka lang (na kataka-takang pwede rin namang ipeke).

Kaya't sa ngalan ng hipokrisi, alienasyon, at kataksilan, gagawin kong kasaysayan ang aking pagiging 21.

Make your 21st birthday a memorable day in your life. Afterall, you only become 21 once.

• Go to Disneyworld and have fun with the rides. Make the most out of your remaining childhood days.
  
• Dance with Mickey Mouse.Go to casino and gamble all your savings. It's your first day to adulthood. Set loose your greediness. Try the slot machines and don't go home until you're broke.
  
• Drink and don't stop until you pass out. You're legally old enough to be crazy.
  
• Go on a picnic and join a children's game. Roll on the grass like you've always wanted. Life's never been this simple and nice. Don't forget to smile.
  
• It's summertime! Go out with your family and hit the beach. You've never had a sunny birthday before. You might even get to learn how to swim.
  
• Go cross-country and visit Canada, your dream country next to Czech Republic.
  
• Sleep. The best way to deal with the coming Apocalypse is to close your eyes and dream.
  

Bad Words For BadAss Like Us

I'm not really fond of flies. It just so happened that I took fancy with them because of one quote I've read somewhere when I was in highschool and then I adapted it:

Don't judge a shit by the flies that hover around it.

Flies I don't like, shit I like.

Shit's been part of my language. Shit's been part of my lifestyle. In fact, it's even become part of the household, as if just changing my t-shirt or socks.

I say, shit's a universal word.

My life has never been as convenient as now if not for shit. Shit's been saving me when everything else fails to convey my thoughts. I say, "shit" when I'm pissed off. "Shit" when I'm amused. "Shit" when I'm scared. "Shit" when I'm excited. Shit shit shit shit. No word has been so versatile as shit. Not even its synonyms: "dung" sounds so hollow, I can't even imagine myself saying it when I'm excited. "Feces" is too gross, it makes me think of the real thing. "Scat" is, well, it sounds like a name.

But shit's foreign.

I am a proud Filipino, so why not use "tae"?

"Tae", in the context of the Filipino language, is not a cuss word. It's as typical as "tabo" (no pun intended).

That then leads us to the ultimate Filipino cuss word, "putang ina mo," which is translatable to English as "motherfucker."

I didn't use the former until I was in my senior year in highschool. Looking back, I think it was a significant turn of my emotionally unstable life. I was too enraged that moment that I swore "putang ina." When I went to college, apparently, that cuss word turned out to be just as ordinary as any other word. In fact, it has been as highly regarded as "shit." What's more is that it has borne out a lot of variations, from spelling to inflections: "tangina," "tang-ina," "po-tang-ina," "tanginamo," "ina-mo," etc.

As far as I am concerned, I've never heard of "motherfucker" being used from around me. From my own point of view, I think it's pretty long? I mean, if I'm really mad, I'd practically pick the monosyllabic "shit" over the four-syllabic "motherfucker."

But here's another cuss word, which is also rarely used (compared with the "shit" and "putang ina mo") but pretty much popular in the West: "son of a bitch."

The first time I heard the "son of a bitch" was, I think, when I was about five and I had to ask my mother, "Ma, what's son of a beach?" while picturing in my head an island with a coconut tree, which is a design in one of my white t-shirts then.

When I was in grade two, my classmate sitting in front of me, kept showing me the finger (as if to brag) as he was repeatedly saying "fuck you." At that time, I already knew that "fuck you" is a cuss word, something that is bad. But I had no idea it would be as harsh a cuss word as I would have learned years later. Right now, I'm reserving the "fuck you" with the finger for special occasions only. Perhaps, when I'm already abroad. Probably in the middle of a roadrage or when caught in a bar incident. Situations that right now, would seem impossible to picture myself getting involved. But who knows what the future could turn me into?

One amusing thing about us is how we apply our creativity even to cuss words. "Puta" from "putang ina mo" had come out with a lot of variants: "po-ta," "po-tek," "poo-tek," "po-teek," "putik," or "putakte."

I've also learned of one combo in college: "pakshet," a combination of "fuck" and "shet" (the retard variant of "shit"), although you wouldn't want to think about it (which I did and well, it's just too unthinkable), you just use it.

The bottom line is shit's been my favorite cuss word.

What's yours?

Lessons Learned From My 119 Class Fieldtrip (And Life, In General)

Words of Wisdamn
From the VIOLASCRAPFLIES BOOK OF QUOTES
Copyleft 2008

One of the saddest facts in life is this: People are actually willing to listen to you and yet, no matter how much they pay attention, they cannot understand one piece of shit of what you're saying, of what you're telling. Somebody I know had actually described this thing perfectly. It's like transmitting a wavelength different from what the rest of the people can absorb. (Is mine red or violet?)

What defines the sea?
Its depth.
The same way we ought to look at one's life.

It's like wearing a lifejacket. You can float for as long as you want. You wouldn't even get drowned. Life is easy when you're at your comfort zone.

Once you've crossed-over, it's impossible to return.
While on the edge, going back is never impossible; only tougher.

You cannot stay at the edge forever.
Sooner or later, you would have to decide --- either you seek the truth or turn your back and live with your pretensions.

You can save life by becoming a doctor.
You can save soul by becoming a priest.
You can save the future by becoming a teacher.
You can save the Philippines by paying your taxes.

You are what you eat.

The best way to deal with bullies is to avoid becoming one.

Big bullies ain't got the balls (after watching "Benchwarmers").

You should be sorry for the person who gets loud only around his company.

Be careful with the person who talks and laughs alone.

Desire is a hormonal imbalance.

You would always know when you're drunk. It's just that you're too drunk to admit it.

Grief is a feeling with a pang of guilt.

Words are the deadliest of human weapons.

Eat. Drink. Sleep. Read. Still got a problem?

The more insecure the person, the more bitter the words he utter.

Cool people are always bored.

Vodka O Suicide?

So what's the vodka for?
For the soul. If it's hurting real bad.
(Sergei Lukyanenko's Nightwatch, p.370)

Ako'y nabighani nang una kong madungaw ang tanawin sa bangin.

Noon kasi'y takot akong silipin ang bangin. Pero ngayon, sa tuwing may pagkakataon, ginugugol ko ang aking oras para malasin ang tanawin sa bangin.

Sa tindi ng pagkahumaling ko'y ilang beses din akong nagtangkang puntahan ang tanawin sa bangin.

Kaya lamang, ayaw akong payagan.

Ako'y pinipigilan.

Mahal ko sila pero ano ba naman ang isang sandali ng pagbibigay-ligaya sa sarili.

Sabi nila'y hindi na raw ako babalik.

Wala nang maghuhugas ng pinggan at bibili ng Krispy Kreme.

Hinahanapan pa ako ng waiver at insurance.

Isama ko raw sila.

Nalungkot ako.

Kaya isang gabi tumakas ako para hanapin ang shortcut papunta sa bangin.

Payapa ang gabi.

Pinasok ko ang gubat.

Tanging ang bilog na buwan ang aking gabay sa kasukalan.

Natunton ko ang shortcut sa bangin.

Pagtalon ko nakita ko ang Bunyip sa mga ulap.

Tinitigan ko siya at siya'y ngumiti.

Saka niya inangat ang hawak na bote ng Kristov habang ako'y unti-unting nilalamon ng dilim at nalalaglag sa bangin.

Bad Guys Rrrooock!

...because good does not always prevail evil.

Recently, I noticed my patterned *disturbing* interest on the characters from the books I've read.

1. Steve "Leopard" Leonard (Cirque du Freak series by Darren Shan)
He's the most evil boy I've ever met (read), and he didn't dissapoint me for he continued to grow up one, successfully. He became the Vampaneze Lord and fathered nemesis Darren Shan's nephew. The twist, however, is that, he and Darren Shan, rivals for becoming the Lord of the Shadows who'll soon destroy the world, are actually, real brothers. Both are son of Mr. Desmond Tiny a.k.a. Destiny. Still, what makes his character impressive, is his stubborness. He spent his entire life studying and finally, hunting for vampires from the day he made a vow that he would kill Mr. Crepsley for rejecting him as a vampire assistant. He drew a cut on his right (?) palm and from that day forward he stuck with his vow.

2. Hannibal Lecter (Hannibal by Thomas Harris)
He's the most sophisticated villain I've encountered and by far, the most brilliant man --- he's not only excellent in science, but also in the arts (perfect balance of the left and right hemisphere of the brain) --- with an extremely exotic taste (he calls the pancreas and thymus (his favorites), "sweetbread")

3. Edmund Seymour (Red Queen's Daughter by Jacqueline Kolosov)
He's gorgeous and he's a black magician. He's willing to destroy everyone who comes on his way of fulfilling his ambitions --- of claiming power and richness in the palace... and is even more willing to use his own cousin, Mary Seymour, to live up to his dreams. Too bad, though, he really fell in love with her. But thanks to Mary, he was arrested by the royal guards and after a day of being imprisoned in the tower, he had escaped and probably redeemed his dark nature.

4. Satan (Letters from the Earth by Mark Twain)
My newest favorite! How could I not like an ever inquisitive and insightful guardian angel? He's curious, self-righteous, and doubtful of God's ways. His letters to Angels Gabriel and Michael, are bold yet amusing. I say, he's the most cynical, meaning, *MY* Holden Caulfield (The Catcher in the Rye by J.D. Salinger) would just be second to him.

*GLORIFYING EVILNESS*

There are a lot of forms of evil in this world, but nothing strikes me more than what the book creates. I mean, sure it's fiction but you can just imagine the works of the "evil" you encounter day-by-day. Most of them are plain stupid. Flawed. Insubstantial. Might as well say, pitiful but not to the point of mercy's worth.

Evilness is not a cowardly, stupid *bad* thing that most people are likely to think.
I say, rapists aren't evil. They're lustful retards.
I say, pickpocketeers aren't evil. They're lazy fools and low-class greedy.
I say, kidnappers-for-ransom aren't evil. They're first-class greedy.
I say, bullies aren't evil. They're insecure.
I say, most politicians aren't evil. Like the bullies, they are deprived of attention.

Evil arises mainly to resist the existing order. Evil destroys. Evil cannot be satisfied. Evil never settles down.

Evil defines good.

Evil is being Steve and Hannibal and Edmund and Satan. Evil is John Doe (Se7en, movie). Evil is Tom Marvolo Riddle (Harry Potter series).

Evil is persistent.

Evil sees clearly.

Evil is mindful.

Evil knows no vanity.

Evil knows no compassion. Evil thinks more than feels.

Evil is proud.

Evil has dignity.

I wish to be evil.

Evil may fail but will never accept defeat..even to the end.

"Evil" is the reverse of "live".

I've slept for twenty years and I'm exhausted from dreaming and creating some more. I think it's high time that I wake up and put an end to my nightmares and realize that I am done.

'Til then, I am in pain.

Pondering On The Thought of Seeking Professional Help AKA Shrink

Inspite of being a sociopath, I'd never wish for anybody to be alone for the rest of his life.

It is only I, myself, who deserved to be alone because, I think, I'd handle it.

I was right.

I may be alone physically (actually, almost always), and at times I may feel blue but I'll never be always lonely because I've got me --- my alter-ago, my split personality. And my mind. I consider it apart from me. In fact, almost tempted to consider it my Master. Almost. I would have long gone if not for its interference.

The world has led me into the darkness, and thanks to my mind, my grim thoughts were turned into an art.

It's contempt that actually makes me tough inside. Solitude, that actually directs my life.

Emotions, for the most part, rattle me. I easily get distracted.

Affection, to me, is a pill... I might get an overdose if I take it in excess.

Ironically, I look so fragile and naive outside. I wonder if I am opaque around people. Nobody has looked through me, even more, read me beyond the line I've drawn. At some point, a few had attempted. But I didn't let them cross over.

How would I be believed if I tell somebody that I am not whole? Not incomplete but divided. Two halves. Two different halves.

Perhaps if I'm on the other side of the world, I'd be brought into a shrink right away. But I'm here. I'm not classified.

Those branded "crazy" or "mad" or "lunatic" are either put into asylum or are simply left alone wasted in the sidestreets.

No clinically insane person can be actually living among the sane... attending school, living in a decent rented house, going out with a couple of friends, drinking, having fun... and is actually enjoying reading fiction.

Certainly not a psycho. Just hallucinated...? Maladjusted...? Confused...? Simply weird...? Drugged? Or maybe the lack of it. Maybe just depressed. Maybe just suffering the consequence of having low levels of serotonin. Or maybe just pretending?!?

Crap. Do I honestly need to seek professional help?

I'm not afraid. I'm just hesitant.

The truth might kill me.

Hand Mirror

I met this girl one sunny afternoon while walking on the sidestreet.

She said she thinks she’s lost.

I offered her directions but she said she doesn’t know where to go.

I told her she’s in trouble, and her face brightened up.

She confessed that she is indeed in trouble.

She said she’s lost in life.

I smiled.

Could she be a nutbag?

I looked at her from head to toe.

Her shoulder-length black hair was a bit disheveled. She’s wearing a black shirt and a pair of faded jeans. One of the laces of her mismatched shoes went loose.

I returned my gaze at her face.

She was now smiling.

She asked me if I read.

I told her yes.

She said she loves reading.

Then she started telling her story.

She said she doesn’t have a lot of friends and is often alone. She’s crazy with full moon.

I kidded her she’s a wolf.

She said she’d prefer to be a vampire.

She confessed to me that she feels being in trance whenever it’s full moon.

I laughed and she joined in.

I asked her what else she likes.

She said the clouds.

I asked her what kind of clouds.

She said cumulus clouds.

I told her she should ride the airplane to enjoy a good view.

She pouted and said that she likes it more looking up at the clouds rather than looking down.

I said she couldn’t be a bird then.

She said she’d wanted to be a bird just like her favorite book characters.

I knew the book so I told her a real bird and not like the mutant kids who are half-man, half-avian.

She said either way, as long as she’d have wings.

So I asked her, what about angel.

She giggled. Not like Mercy, she said.

Definitely not like Mercy, I repeated as she once again referred to one of our shared favorite books.

Ang Sumpa Sa Matigas Ang Ulo

Wala na ngang IQ, mawawalan pa ng EQ.

Ano na lang?

Paano na lang?

Ang kaganapan ko'y katumbas na lamang pala ng isang Dementor's kiss.

Nakikita ko ang sarili ko lima o sampung taon mula ngayon, nakasalampak sa isang mapanghi't madilim na eskinita sa isang karaniwang lungsod o kaya'y sa gilid ng hagdan ng isang oberpas, may hawak na lata, nakabukas ang palad ng kanang kamay, basahan ang saplot, nilalangaw ang mukha, kumakain ng panis at laglag na tira ng mga nagsisipagdaan dahil...

dahil nandito ako sa bayan kong sinilangan kaya lang...

kaya lang hindi ako naging matapang pero...

pero nanindigan ako sa paraang tanging ako lamang ang nakakaalam dahil kung hindi...

tuluyan na akong magiging isang ganap na hunghang na radikal na namumuhay sa ibang dimensyon, sa loob ng isang psychiatric ward, malayo sa mga traysikel, jeepney, at kanin o kaya'y vodka, fastfood, at computer games...

kinarma sa pagtalikod sa bayan kapalit ng salapi't ambisyo't habambuhay na pagtakas sa katotohanan.

Sintu-sinto Kamo, Hindi Pilosopo

Sikyu: Pssst...payong, pakiiwan.

Ayoko nga. (Walk-out)

Kung totoong malaya ka, kung totoong may sarili kang pag-iisip, kung totoong tao ka nga, hindi mo kelangan maging robot o puppet o marionette o tutang* kakawag-kawag ang buntot sa pagsunod sa amo mo.

(*domesticated kaya hindi na wild animal na Walang Panginoon)

Obedience ka'mo? Pauso lang ng mga nanggugulang 'yan.

Dun sa bibliya ng mga Katoliko, sabi nung demonyo kay Hesus, "Kung totoong anak ka ng Diyos, tumalon ka sa bangin para iligtas ng mga anghel ng iyong Ama."

Sabi nung isang pakialamerang kaibigan ng isang babae, "Kung mahal mo 'yang boyfriend mo, gawin mo lahat ng gusto nya. Magpaganda ka, mag-diet para sumeksi, etc."

Sabi nung kumare ng isang battered wife, "Kung mahal mo ang asawa mo, magtiis ka. Pagpasensyahan mo ang kanyang mga bisyo, etc."

Sabi nung commander sa kanyang batallion sa kanilang journey sa bundok, "Kung matapang kayo, barilin n'yo lahat ng gumalaw sa paligid!"

Kailangan ba talagang magpakagago ng mga tao para lang sa satisfaction ng iisang tao - yung nag-utos sa kanya - at masabing sila'y tunay ngang mga obedient na nilalang?

Kung tao nga talaga ang tao, alam na niya kung paano i-handle ang sitwasyon. Hindi niya na kailangang padikta sa ibang bwakanang pakialamero't pakialamera.

Dikta. Dikta. Dikta. Paano nga kaya talaga magiging tao yung tao kung ganyan?

Kaya anlabas tuloy ngayon mga tarantado't tarantada, panay mga tulala, parang mga adik - buhay, gumagalaw nga pero hindi naman gumagana ang utak dahil sa kemikal/ pandidikta/ pang-uuto impluwensya ng panlabas na puwersa.

Magtataka pa ba ako kung bakit maraming matatalino dahil nakapag-aral at mga bobo't tanga dahil hindi nakapag-aral, but then again not really?

Magtataka pa ba ako kung bakit matamlay ang Pilipinas dahil ang mga Pilipino'y hindi na nag-eexercise ng utak?

At magtataka pa ba ako kung bakit yung iilang natuto naman sanang mag-isip ay kung hindi namumundok para magsarili, eh sinasalvage na basta, o simpleng itinatapon sa psychiatric ward.

Neglect. Neglect. Neglect.

Negligence.

Bwakanang tae. Sawang-sawang-sawa na ako sa puro oblivion ng buhay.

Atat na ko sa tunay na aksyon. Ayokong mamatay na basta naging tuod at walang nasaksihan man lamang na kaganapan sa mga buhay sa mundo.

Ako raw ay pilosopo.

Sa loob-loob ko, kung hindi naman ako mag-pipilosopo (na ang ibig sabihin lang naman ay simpleng pagbuka ng bibig para i-relay ang mensahe ng aking utak AT hindi naman talaga yung tipong pang-Sophie's World), ako nama'y lalabas na gago't utu-uto.

Para saan pa na nag-aaral ako kung magpapakagago't utu-uto rin lang naman pala ako.

Pero andami rin namang nag-aral at nag-aaral tulad ko. Sila ba kaya'y ayaw rin pumayag gaguhin at utuin? Ewan ko. Malay ko.

Sabi nga sa isang tula, "Madaling maging tao. Mahirap magpakatao."

'Yan kase. Masaling lang ang aking damdamin ay para nang idinudukdok ang aking kukote sa inodorong apaw sa tae. Dagling tatahimik, titikom ang bibig. Pero sa loob-loob, may nagaganap nang World War III.

Barkada Pop

Abe: Ang trapik sa Cubao!

Jos: Palusot ka pa.

T-rex: Hindi nga.

Jos: Kung maaga ka, hindi ka aabutan ng traffic.

Abe: Fine. Ano’ng balita?

Jos: Si Kato sasali raw. Lumayo para mag-concentrate. Nang dalawin namin kahapon, ayun nagmumukok lang pala sa kanila ang loko.

Abe: Sira ulo.

T-rex: Order na.

Abe: Vodka tonic.

T-rex: Ako rin. Tsaka nachos.

Jos: Nakailan ka na? Baka wala kang pambayad ha? ‘Yung utang mo kay Pardo sa akin siningil.

T-rex: O relaks lang. May raket ata ako.

Abe: Talaga? Manlilibre ka ba ngayon?

T-rex: Hindi. Siyempre kelangan ko rin naman mag-ipon.

Jos: Sabihin mo kuripot ka lang.

T-rex: Ang sakit mo naman magsalita. Praktikal lang.

Abe: So kanya-kanya pala tonight?

Jos: Ganun na nga.

T-rex: Kumusta, Macbeth?

Abe: Eto panay ang gala. Kagabi nanggaling din ako rito. Dun nga lang sa kabilang block.

T-rex: Asenso ka na. Kelan ka pa nagkaroon ng barkada?

Abe: ’lul. Nanlibre lang yung kaklase kong galante. Siyempre libre dinner na. Kesa naman magtiyaga ako sa kanton ni Lucky.

Jos: Nagrereklamo na ba ang mga bulate mo?

Abe: Sinabi mo. Hindi pa dumarating yung allowance ko.

Jos: Di ba sa katapusan ka pa nakakasahod? E simula pa lang ng buwan ngayon a.

Abe: Pa’no ang daming gastusin.

T-rex: Gastusin? Sabi ko sa’yo mag-sachet ka na lang.

Abe: Sachet na nga. Pati toothpaste. Kung pwede nga lang pati bigas de-sachet na rin.

Jos: Talaga? Bago yun a.

Abe: Corny.

T-rex: Pabayaan mo na lang ‘yan. May taning na e.

Abe: O bakit? Sinusumpong ka na naman?

T-rex: Sinabi ko na kasing sumama na sa amin ni Kato sa bahay. Mas gusto raw mag-isa. Ang tigas ng ulo.

Abe: Naglaslas ka na naman ba? Sinabi ko na sa iyong hindi na uso ang Gillette ngayon.

Jos: Muntik lang.

Abe: At bakit na naman? Ano naman ba’ng natuklasan mo?

Jos: Wala.

T-rex: The Cycling.

Abe: Seryoso?

Jos: ‘Yung kay NV.

Abe: Oo? Pucha ako rin naman e.

Jos: Iba naman sa’yo.

Abe: Hoy ano’ng tingin mo sa akin abno? Tsaka akala mo hindi ko yun binabasa gaya ng pagbasa ng isang Zeus?

T-rex: Pati ba naman ikaw?

Abe: Bakit? Ikaw ba hindi?

T-rex: BS naman yan e.

Jos: Alin?

T-rex: Yung libro. Mapagpanggap lang ang bwakanang bidang ‘yun.

Abe: Bakit naman, The Catcher?

T-rex: Ano’ng nakakatuwa sa happy ending?

Abe: Hahahahaha!

Jos: Wala akong pakialam kung anong ending. Ang sa akin lang, yung sa Cycling.

T-rex: Okey. Sige.

Abe: Sorry.

T-rex: Gusto ko mag-sto.

Abe: Sama ako.

Jos: Runaway ba?

Abe: Heartless Girl!

T-rex: Kahit alin. Basta sto faraway.

Jos: E anlayo mo na naman sa inyo a.

T-rex: Mas malayo, mas okey. Wala nang balikan.

Abe: Ok ka lang?

T-rex: Hindi. Ayokong mapag-iwanan. Kaya aalis na lang ako sa paraang alam ko.

Jos: Imposible. Nasa Earth ka pa rin pag ganyan. Ba’t di mo subukan sa Mars?

Abe: ‘lul.

T-rex: Sige pero wag na sa Mars.

Abe: Wag na sa Milky Way.

T-rex: Saan? Andromeda?

Abe: Hahahahaha!

T-rex: Sama kayo?

Abe: Ayoko. Sobrang layo. Gusto ko pa makabalik.

T-rex: Nostalgia freak.

Abe: Bakit? Wala namang maganda sa kasalukuyan. Bakit pa ako maghahanap ng future kung saan man. Babalik na lang ako sa amin. Doon na ako tatanda at mamamatay.

Jos: Hindi ka magpapakamatay?

Abe: Ewan. Basta gusto ko makabalik sa pinagmulan.

T-rex: Good old brother, Abel.

Abe: Sino si Cain?

Jos: Sabihin mo Dr. J and Mr. Hyde.

Abe: ‘lul. Kanina mo pa ako tinitira a.

Jos: Pikon ka na?

Abe: Hindi. Sa tv lang ako napipikon.

T-rex: Ang saya-saya kaya ng noontime show.

Jos: Hindi, mas maganda ang mga asianovela.

Abe: Haynako. Wala nang mas gaganda pa sa Marimar.

T-rex, Jos, Abe: Hahahahahahaha!

Abe: Kainis.

T-rex: Akala ko ba walang tv sa inyo?

Abe: Oo buti na nga lang e. Kaso pag-uwi ko sa’min, wala namang drugs. Pinatulan ko na lang ang holy box.

Jos: Holy box?

T-rex: Nagsisimba ka pa ba pag Linggo?

Jos: Sabadista ‘yan.

Abe: Hindi. Hindi rin. Nagpapahinga ako.

T-rex: Ayos ka rin a. Baka maoverdose ka niyan.

Jos: Seryoso ba yan?

Abe: Pag hindi ka pa tumigil, ako na mismo maglalaslas ng kamay mo.

Jos: Salamat, ‘tol.

T-rex: Yosi lang ako sandali.

Abe, Jos: Lumabas ka, utang na loob!

T-rex: Mahal ko kayo, salu-salo tayo sa lung cancer.

Abe: Wala akong pang-ospital.

Jos: Libre mo ba?

T-rex: Mga gagu.

Abe: Ano’ng oras na?

T-rex: Oras na para magwalkout ka.

Jos: Ikaw ‘yung nahuling dumating, tapos ikaw pa ang mauunang umalis? Anlabo mo naman.

Abe: Ganun talaga.

T-rex: Salamat sa mga pinagsamahan.

Abe: Huwag mo akong ilibing ng buhay, kapatid.

T-rex: Isang round na lang. Toast tayo.

Jos: Para sa kabaliwan!

T-rex: Para sa katarantaduhan!

Abe: Para sa kinabukasan!

T-rex: Puta’ng trapo.

Abe: Para sa kaututan!

Jose: Anlabo mo talaga.

Abe: Ganun lang talaga e.

T-rex: Para sa kahayupan!

Jos: Para sa kabuktutan!

Abe: Para sa kaalipinan!

T-rex: Tsk..tsk..tsk...

Abe: Para sa katangahan!

T-rex: Para sa bangungot!

Jos: Para sa basura!

Abe: Para sa puta!

T-rex, Jos, Abe: TAGAY!

WAKAS